I would like to remind you that Mike's hard lemonade only goes good with an extra light cigarette and seminal fluid.
HOnestly. That's my one goal for this whole trip. I don't give a shit about souvenirs or sand. I want penis.
I don't have the urge to be a home-wrecker with these two. I think I've grown, don't you?
He hid IN a snowbank for 2 hours waiting for me to come home. This game has to stop before someone dies.
I am now trying to reassure her that she doesn't have a wide-set vagina. So thanks, for whatever you said.
Like, what's the customary waiting period to hookup with your newly single ex that you never stopped hooking up with?
I was going through my mom's stuff to find her xanax, and I found her vibrators instead. Plural. That is like the opposite of what I wanted.
He bought me a burrito. I introduced him as "Horse-Dicked Jake" all night. My debt has been repaid.
Whoever put salsa in the kiddie pool.....your an ass. Fuck you.
So I may have to sleep with a cougar to get a slightly used, yet free microwave. I'm going in
Like why am I even still facebook friends with a guy I let finger me at a concert?
Hey before you quit, let me sell drugs to your boss at least one more time
I gave her a cheerful high five and she turned to me and said, "we should do that with our genitals." I may have to marry this girl.
He looks like Aladdin, and that's about all he's got going for him.
I think my dick has healed enough that we can start having sex again
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