Obama just said the words "we're all in this together." I wanted to start singing high school musical
I'm still drunk from last night...I walked out for a cigarette with one of the Janitors here and apparently someone took a shit on the stairs...Which makes me wonder...was that me?
i went to throw her on my bed and threw her straight in to my bike
The doctor asked me what height I fell from to hurt my back.. I answered keg height
Hung over does not do it justice. I am hung like a horse over. I am hungover and over and over. I am hung, drawn and quartered fucking over. They just told me I can't keep my sunglasses on in the office. Fuck drinking with you people.
How do the freshmen here NOT understand the tricks we are playing on them by now? Doesn't bode well for grad numbers. Idiots.
you know you have a brother who cares when he hands you a piece of pizza before you pass out from too many bong hits
If the Cards come back I will fly to St Louis and shit in a very public place.
COME HERE WE MELTED A CORONA BOTTLE WITH FIREWORKS
fuck you I'm eating salad I can't be drunk.
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
Any idea why my ass cheeks are bruised again?
The fact that theyre bruised AGAIN means you're not adult enough to know why.
Why am I a human magnet for the worst dicks of the world?
Oh my fucking god!! There is a barefoot white guy with a fucking ninja sword in the middle of the street next to the pride gas station swinging his sword at peoples cars!! He almost got me. 3 people swerved off the road and stopped. I told a cop.
Went to the party dressed like a Cougar and brought a twenty something dressed as Micheal Phelps home. So far I’m loving being divorced. :-)
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