literally had 100 drinks last night.
ive had 594 apples! thats 99 apples 6 times! math!
so hey instead of everyone buying me a birthday present can everyone just pitch in for my abortion?
Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
he mailed me a thank you note for the blowjob.
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
Um, so I couldn't say it in person, but if you find my underwear in your office. Sorry. I couldn't find them, so yea.
We can just keep having sex until one of us finds someone we actually like
I LOVE YOU NO MATTER HOW MANY BALLS YOUVE SUCKED
Should I tell this TSA agent his fly is down while he is trying to hit on this chick?
I wish they would just make alcoholic protein shakes already.
She told me having sex was our civic duty. How can I not love her?
I already left my house once this summer. Maybe we could do something in October.
Access to a Target is paramount to my general happiness and self-worth.
Got a blowjob while watching James Bond's "Octopussy." My 13 year old self would be so proud
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