I got a chicken sandwich and a frosty out of her. Better then having sex
New game: Step 1) Turn on ESPN. Step 2) Drink every time someone says "LeBron."
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
i don't know what part of 'duct tape bikini waxes' seemed even a little okay in our drunk minds, but i'm never drinking with your sister again
At this point i guess a traditional, non-life-threatening pity fuck is too much to ask for
It reeks of weed and poor life decisions in here
i'm pretty sure you can't sue someone for "Taking a shit on my kitchen floor."
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
I don't think meeting his drug dealers counts as a relationship landmark.
The notary thing was a good idea. I can charge $2 per signature. I'm currently being paid in beer.
Look I'm really high right now, and if I were to leave this house, it would be for the sole purpose of getting an ice cream sandwich. So can you please just do it.
dude it was our first time and her hair caught on fire from the candles on the nightstand
There is no way that actually happened!
the smell of burnt hair covered up the sweaty sex smell.
i'd like to schedule a penis for 4pm please.
Dont care about too tired for sex, thank you for leaving your laser pointer. I have now determined both my cats are stupid.
It was just a hint of nipple. I kept it classy!
Do you even hear yourself?
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