tonights recap: old cokehead freind proposed in the middle of a country bar to his trash girlfriend, saw ex-fuck who now has star shaved into his head and another with his gf, and ex-bfs best friends crackin jokes about who would fuck me first. NEVER COMING HOME AGAIN
so i told him i still liked him. he laughed
well, your crazy. what did you expect?
So instead of getting the if-you-hurt-my-little-girl-youre-dead talk, i got the alcohol-is-our-friend talk, i like her dad already
Its like fucking yourself in the head with a weed strapon
rethinking that breast reduction surgery... i'm tired of drunkenly explaining the scars to guys who don't really give a shit
She calls me Shortcake and bites my ear. Trust me, I'm FINE with bein the secret lesbian lover.
You think posting ushers "let it burn" video on his fb page is in bad taste? haha
Felt like shit, jerked off, felt ten times better. Being a guy rules. It's like I got all the demons out in 5 minutes.
I'm crying at a bar by myself drinking a pear martini drawing things dicks are scared of. How was your day?
This morning was so rough I can't even. I was cutting up vegetables for my omelet on the floor. THE FLOOR. I sat on the floor because I felt like I was gonna vom.
Something like that. Healthy diet of beer, ranch sunflower seeds and sex keeps me young.
And I must've sleep walked to the fridge cause when I woke up, there I was, balls deep in a fudge pop.
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
Last night at a party someone grabbed my ass so I just fucking punched them in the face then went home and ate a frozen pizza
You were in the girls bathroom yelling at some random chick because you thought she stole all the urinals. That's why you were kicked out.
Randomize
