Just kissed her with a dip in my mouth... She was either too drunk to notice or too cool to care
My phone now changes "me" to "mrrrrrrrrh", thank you new years.
My bosses just told me they met their wives on one night stands. I'm stoked.
For some reason there are two like 10 year old black girls crumping at the bar. I feel like I'm in a missy elliot video.
He tried to stick it in and I asked him what he wanted to name our child and he quit.
Rather than admit to myself he's hooking up with her right now, I choose to believe that he's not responding because he's masturbating to my picture, distraught over his poor choice, and trying to forget about the one that got away with a heavy dose of meth.
You always have that cute deer in the headlights look. Thats what made showing you my penis for the first time so disconcerting.
You can't just call animal control when you're drunk because there is a bug in the shower.
dying me prepared for dead me... i woke up with my laptop open to the last snl episode, a bottle of gatorade, advil and a bag of chocolate all next to me
don't do laundry while your drunk! i found a ketchup bottle & clothes hanger in the washer this morning!
The Game of Thrones convention was just a drunk fuckfest.
Please tell me you banged Jon Snow.
You should of known that i was high if i refer to myself as melting into anything
Had a girl with a moustache tattoo on her hand give me a handjob. That shit was classy as fuck. I felt like I should be wearing a monocle or something.
Found someone cuddling with my Uggs this morning. Guess the hundred pillows laying next to him weren't good enough.
might I remind you I fucked a 21 year old and almost did coke with strangers? you definitely came out on top
Randomize
