i either just vomited on a lesbian or a small boy
You drew a self portrait of yourself on his wall with sharpie.
Maybe someone other than the mad hatter should have gone with him to the ER
You told me when we were leaving the club if I could pin point your nipple through your padded bra you would show me if I was right.
Woke up under the lifeguard stand sleeping next to mitch our homeless friend. I bartered a summer wardrobe for his last 5 dollar to buy a bfast sandwich. Bring clothes
I'm lying here drinking water from a shot glass..moving is not an option right now
he has this weird thing where he watches me pee
I just really hate taking care of things... If I can't fill it with liquor I'm not sure what to do with it.
if youre gonna throw up it might as well taste like christmas :S
I need a "no soliciting" sign for your dick
My mom just asked me if I knew what Buzzfeed was. Then said she's watching the second Magic Mike for the bodies. Please help.
My arms in a cast, how am I supposed to have sex with only one hand?
more importantly I need two hands to eat pie
You left your hot dogs in my dresser again
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
I'm bleeding and intoxicated as I'm walking to my final right now. Wish me luck
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