Are we in a gay sports bar?
please remind me not to sleep with group members until after finals week.
Just found custom condoms. Guess I'm not getting any work done today.
I'm drinking with 3 chicks and 1 gay dude. 100% chance I'm getting laid and 75% chance I'll enjoy it.
Only time i ever look at my online banking statement is to see when i left the bar.
A beer fell out of the case, hit the ground and started spraying. He's a pro. He grabbed it and shotgunned it while still holding the case.
I was taking a bath and he burst in, sat down and started taking a shit. RIGHT BESIDE ME. My lack of privacy astounds me.
Apparently I was so drunk I threw my entire wallet at the stripper on stage. That was the third time I should've gotten kicked out.
Are you still crying. What are you doing. Have 10 shots of tequila.
so today, i decided to say "fuck it" to mental stability, take a klonopin and wear a blanket toga. New Girl is on Netflix, nothing could go wrong.
The bottle of Wild Turkey is empty and there is a pile of wet cement in the garage. What happened?
Why are friend nudes not more of a thing? My tits look awesome right now.
I'm tired, but I'm gonna go with "I watched the debate last night and part of my soul died"
Wish me luck on my new penis adventure
just saw a kid waiting at the door of the stairs for the elevator. there is no elevator in this building. get on his level.
Randomize
