Vibrator and massage oils got stopped at security. Super.
Get everyone out of their dorms and watch 3 girls do the walk of shame from my room.
I'm still trying to decide if it's a complement when he said "I'd like to subscribe to your daddy issues".
After so many times of carrying your puked covered clothes home in a bag on a Tuesday morning, you begin to realize that Fucked Up Mondays aren't a real thing.
Wait is it okay if I still want to fuck the whole USA swim team or is that only acceptable during the Olympics?
I dreampt that we were shooting zombies while we having sex. Is that normal?
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
Everytime I try to keep track of the amount of people I slept with I always forget about that guy I met on the dc metro, where I woke up to him organizing his Special K and Molly and I was covered in sleeping cats.
Hey Cat, it's Michael. You made out with me for a hot dog last night and I feel super used.
It's true. There would need to be A LOT of data collection. Aka, dick-catching. I volunteer as tribute.
No no this isn't that fun. I'm alone drinking wine and me and the dogs ran out of things to talk about around 9 am.
I have jizz, in my hair. I'm sitting in class with jizz. In. My. Hair. I need to make better life choices.
I guess I can check "drink alone in the dark" off my bucket list
Shit happens dude.
Shit doesn't just HAPPEN on the kitchen floor you asshole.
ever feel bored AND lazy?
I call it "awake" but yeah...
Randomize
