Whyyyyy do my fingers smell like Chinese food.
They've started ranking girls from "paper-bag" to "I just came." Please come get me
she insisted i was the anonymous guy on formspring that kept asking to bang her
Clearly I went along with it
I woke up to her vacumming the grass
All I remember is yelling RUN as fireworks started going off in the kitchen. Who said that was a bad idea?
I just got my inseam measured in raffle tickets by a drag queen. Being fondled for charity is awesome.
this is not okay. even my mom refers to me as a sorostitute.
You blinded her by spitting vodka in her eyes, the vodka you had just taken as a body shot off of her.
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
There are only four things in life that are certain. 1 Death, 2 Taxes, 3 The wu tang clan aint nothin to fuck with, and 4 you will never be more important than taco bell
In light of this week's heat-wave, we are having a house vote tonight on the temporary suspension of the "no smoking indoors" clause. Please bring your voting cards to the living room at 6:30pm
Point of Clarification: by "voting card" we mean a full beer and/or shots
I peed sitting down because I knew standing was a lost cause
He has a burner phone just to send dick pics. It's revolutionary
I didn't rip your fishnets, WE ripped your fishnets.
I think about him when I masturbate so I guess you could call it love
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