Car fucking is for special occasions like birthdays and bank holidays. Don't want to lose the magic by making it an everyday thing.
I'm still drunk from last night...I walked out for a cigarette with one of the Janitors here and apparently someone took a shit on the stairs...Which makes me wonder...was that me?
i feel like i was in a swimming pool of captain and coke and had to drink my way out
Soooo, if his status went from married to single and he deleted all the pictures of his kids does that mean he's up for dibbs?
Let me start this apology by saying I'm sorry that I bit your penis.
Hey, I got 20% of the people home that I was responsible for. I can't be expected to do much more.
Been in bed for 16 hours. Haven't eaten in 18 hours. Haven't pissed in almost 20 hours. Fuck you Stacey and your former reign as laziest bitch. I got the title now.
Who would've thought that Monopoly night would've ended with some girl peeing on the couch.
Is it rude to ask for an autograph after giving him a blowjob in their hotel's hot tub?
TIL a potato cannon can be loaded with dildos as ammunition. Boy, do our neighbours love us!
I made a nest in his bed. I'm not leaving
we had to invent a new word for how drunk I was last night
The coast is clear - also, would it bother you if I chose not to wear pants?
Nah, just stick him in a closet with some cheetos, a blunt and soda. The darkness will calm him down until Mallory can be located.
I found my parents stash of sex toys. You know my green one? My mom has it...in purple. I HAVE THE SAME VIBRATOR AS MY MOTHER
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