I'm lost and stupid without you.
Just saw cops pull over the ice cream truck. What a dick
My co-worker just asked me if i colored my hair. Time to take a shower.
I envy the lives of milf's kids, the little kid grabs her tits and she just laughs and says not now
If you were wondering whether I accidentally FaceTime called the undergrad who works for me in lab during a particularly graphic blow job last night, then the answer is yes.
Parents weekend was a success.
Yeah, I guess so if you consider being arrested and having your parents bail you out a success...
Bail could have come out of your pocket so yes, I think we were financially responsible this weekend.
Don't mind the bowl full of ashes in the sink. I meant to set that on fire.
Just saw a hooker eating a pastrami sandwich walking down beach blvd blowing kisses to traffic. My day = made
Bring the pizza ill bring the boundaries we can cross
I made out with drunk Joe Dirt and then put his mullet wig on for him. True Halloween romance.
She told me she loved my new hairstyle. I told her its called head head.
He started making out with my boobs. I didn't know whether to be proud of my boobs or ashamed of my mouth.
They live across the street from a school baseball field so they have porter potties across the street and let's just say that I'm grateful they exist
would it be awkward if i bring my husband?
only if i fuck you in the bathroom while he's paying the check
I'll talk to you in a minute. Gotta put my peacocks away
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