Just saw the new iPhone. I would totally let Steve Jobs and Jon Ive eiffel tower me right now.
Nothing says walk of shame better than a onesie and a 12 pack of corona..
Was just told that I was slipped 2 hits of acid in my in flight drink before takeoff. 8 hours to Germany wish me luck
i looked at my phone and realized all i had said to her the entire night was misspelled variations of "NOTHING IS THE SAME" over and over. she eventually stopped replying.
Small children cheering my name. I am not a decent enough human being to feel comfortable with this.
Sometimes you gotta take mushrooms and swim on a rooftop pool to figure out your relationship
Colombian exchange intern from my Mom's friend's ranch loves me, and is staying the night because we got each other drunk. Successful Christmas? I think yes.
Yeah probably not. I have a hair appt, a gun class, and hopefully a boy to fuck. I'm booked.
You grabbed my arm, said "I need you" in a very concerned voice and dragged me to the other room where you were blasting Evolution of Beyoncé.
Can we make love to the Space Jam soundtrack?
My mom just looked at me and said; "You've been pretty bitchy lately do you need some dick?" WTF has happened to me?
I'm going to talk him into letting me tie him up, and then just leave him that way and go meet you for fro-yo.
long story short, he tried to fuck me standing up, toppled over, and now I have four stitches next to my eye
She demanded to see my stimulus package, I had to go over.
Is it wrong that I have to schedule a family Sunday brunch around my mom's weekly banging of my stepdad. And why do I even know this??
Randomize
