why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
yeah, i liked him til i heard he had a sac that could apparently smother my face.
I wonder how many times I can be hungover in one day
i decided to cut a 3rd hole in to my snuggie so i could masturbate all the time.. all time low? or genius?
Do you need a place to sleep? Cause I fucked in the guestroom a few weeks ago and never washed the sheets. But if you don't care neither do I.
Just think. Tomorrow you'll wake up, shower, and get your brains fucked out. That's your ice cream. Today is your peas and carrots.
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
He was jealous of me and threatened by me. I'm like, just cause I could fuck your girlfriend doesn't mean I'm going to
She's not even my type. She doesn't have a penis or a drug problem
The toilet wouldn't flush at the club so I literally just shat in the garbage.
I got my nipples pierced. If you haven't seen my boobs in the past week, you're among the minority
Is it tacky to frame a negative pregnancy test?
Just remembered that I got laid thanks to my glow in the dark Batman belt buckle. Need to wear it more often.
Okay penises are actually pretty exciting. The people attached to them are an entirely different story
Ya can’t just go throwing accusations around about someone pooping their pants without some hard evidence
He broke through his window then signed his name on the biggest peice of glass from it. I think they framed it and named it 'best party ever'
Randomize