so i woke up this morning thinking _____ was in bed with me. . .but it was only a half eaten sonic burger
I just bought Christian paraphenilia at Borders for my dad's bday. I had the urge to tell them it wasn't mine, like I was buying laxatives or a dildo
Hahahaha. You probably would have been more comfortable buying either of those than what you just bought
YOU GOT EVICTED FROM A TRAILER PARK!?!? WTF!!!!!
My drug dealer is spending the weekend in my studio apartment. I feel like I've crossed a line that should never be crossed.
failed my one goal of the day: wake up before 2 pm.
Chasing bourbon with pepto... Dedication.
Still not exactly sure how i unbolted your toilet from the ground.
I have not carelessly put myself in herpes way since I got a clean bill of health tyvm.
I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
captain&coke to the library. STAT. this is an emergency. this is not a drill. I repeat: THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I have Denny's hours of operations written on the palm of my hand....not in my writing, in a girls writing, is that as good as or equal to a cell number?
tanning, a slurpee, and a cigarette. spa day college edition
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
I need a beard to bite.
PLEASE AT LEAST MEOW SO I KNOW YOU AREN'T DEAD
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