whjeg hajt iyt
say what?
wanna hang out?
Awkward is getting caught beating off in the company bathroom...
for halloween i should be pregnant. what is scarier than that?!
So you know that marine I slept with, well his girlfriend just told me I was pretty, I almost feel bad for sleeping with him now...
Dont! You were just serving you country
I am not kidding you. There is an airport luggage cart overturned in my driveway. We need to stop going to the airport bar.
Counseling BFF to break up with her BF. We will get that 3-way
ex-cheerleader. ex-gymnast. ex-dancer. i dont even know who to go for tonight
I barely even remember him. He is just a distant beard in my past.
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
A guy with a mustache poured a beer down your throat while you had a crippled boy named Sunshine riding your back
I was orgasming and dying of laughter at the same time. I think I've found the One.
I snuck out of his room and his roommate stopped me to tell me there was a condom stuck to my back
My roommate made maccoroni last nigh dropped the bowl off the counter knocking it into the dog bowl he picked up the dog bowl and started eating it claiming it was te worst Mac and cheese ever and if he wasnt so high he would stop eating it hahahaha
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
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