i only hope i can top last weeks sext session
He's marrying her, which means that she is his most important person in the world, so you gotta deal with it...okay?
chasing shots of tequilla with sun chips. its doable but not recommended
We turned everything surrounding BP and the oil leak into a "that's what she said" drinking game. We've been drunk for a month
I was actually high enough at that point that I was just casually following your glowing footsteps like in Avatar while we ran from the cops.
peeing on that welcome mat was like, the highlight of my week
I shouldn't have to thank you for taking off your captain hat off before we had sex
The girl I hooked up with in exchange for Ramen freshmen year is living with the girl I currently wish to bang.
Try oodles of noodles this time.
He needs to seriously stop texting me at 3am for sex. Late night and early morning hours are for the guys who DON'T bust a nut in the first 5 minutes of making out.
Yeah minute men are best for late afternoons when you're inbetween running errands and have nothing to do.
I really don't think there's anything more liberating than farting.in a loud bar where no one.can.hear you
I'll be home next weekend. Its mothers day. Let's party just enough so we are frightened it might be our first
In the future, could you not call me 'bro' while we're having sex?
All I know is I woke up with his business card in my bra and in my handwriting on the back it says 8 inch.
I just had a very enlightening conversation with my hat. we need more of whatever the fuck that was.
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
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