I kissed a girl and did not like it. Now I hate Katy Perry even more.
I really hope you get sexually violated by a pterodactyl tonight.
Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
my grandma was just praying before dinner, and before she could finish my gpa lifted his glass and said 'and here's to avatar!'
She had her underwear around her neck. No one can tell me i'm a slut now.
If I EVER think it's a good idea to blow someone who just showed me their synchronized swimming performance on youtube again please correct me immediately.
Woke up the next morning in an 8 year old's bedroom. Saw my bra swinging from the spiderman ceiling fan and decided it would be best to dip out w/o it.
it would be so handy to have a fax machine attached to my body
I wish I could understand how you function in society
She was mad I came so fast. I was like, It's the Olympics! Fastest time wins! We can train you in the offseason.
No need to talk. Eventually, he'll either stop coming over, or decide that it's a relationship.
And if not?
...I keep getting free bourbon and great sex with no expectations. You really don't understand that there is no "down side," do you?
I'm hiding in the bathroom at the library but there are children here I just want to drunk cry in peace
She caught me by google maps... Lets just say it wasnt her car in front of the house.
A condom just fell out of me. Happy Tuesday.
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
Randomize
