still doesn't change the fact you were dunking your sock in the toilet.
He fell and asked for a beer and a band-aid.
HE GOT FOURTEEN STICHES
Hate is such a strong word! I prefer to think that you strongly dislike me due to the honesty I show towards your routine shortcomings of success in life.
I keep having to have that awkward "I don't want to have sex with you" convo. I thought wearing sweatpants was suppose to prevent this situation..
It was a karaoke bar combined with a liquor store and had a donkey pen in the back.
Keeping it classy as usual I see
Should I tell them about my ticket for possession or about how I'm shitting blood? Which one will gain the most sympathy?
my pupils became my eyes and i slept with a cloth in my mouth again
Within the hour, he sent me 8 texts and 4 voice memos. One of the memos was just him whistling for 3 minutes. ...It's official, I attract the crazies.
Hey. Make all the seamen/semen jokes you want. Not many people can say they fucked 2 different girls in two different countries in one week on a tax free bonus. Next up: Italy.
Fun fact: drinking me now steals weaponry
You don't even know. The entire marching band thinks I'm an alcoholic.
Sunday mornings are confusing. Like. I can't decide if I want to go for a run or start drinking
She got engaged last night. I don't think you should ask her out man.
I kind of really want to call off the engagement but I kind of need his mom's mashed potatoes on thanksgiving so I'm between a rock & a hard place here
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
Randomize
