we just toasted to your mouth on alex's balls at the bar
She asked how far humans have gone into a volcano because they did in spy kids. She was serious.
Just found the bucket list I wrote when I was high...somehow I dont think "jello swimming pool" is gonna happen.
this morning your mother said to me "sorry to have to meet you like this, in my sons bed" later she said "you never know whos gonna be in there. its scary sometimes"
lesson learned: don't narrate out loud about how a girl is giving you head while she's doing it
you're just mad cause i madeout with you while having a mouth full of chewed pretzels
Just for future questioning, I didnt break up with you over text
Just called my dad drunk from bed to ask for bacon.. my niece texted me when it was ready.. i'm never moving out
He is stood at the top of the stairs nursing the stolen cat
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
She told me that for every Ravens touchdown, I'd get to come once.
Marry her. Marry her now. I'll help you steal the ring.
Someone drunkenly cleaned and organized my car last night... Nothing's missing, so that's a plus.
I was watching porn and wanted to change the tab to another video to cum but I clicked the wrong tab and it was a gif of a dog but I was coming and couldn't do anything so did I jill off to a dog? I feel like I should be guilty
I did not pay that kind of money so that It could be hidden. that bra needs to shine in glory so that it can be seen by the world.
And our sex soundtracks thus far have been metal and Star Wars
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