She is in my trunk
exactly what part of this weekend seemed like a good idea?
Do you think people stop being hipsters when they're naked? because that's what my research shows.
Just saw an old lady vomit in a trash can at the airport. I instinctively called her a pussy. College has ruined us.
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
I WILL MAKE A FLYING LEAP FOR YOUR DICK WHEN I SEE YOU THROUGH THE WINDOW
My philosophy is thug life and that means never having to say your sorry for stealing drinks off tables
Just got a 200 dollar safe, two jars, and a 500 pack of rubber bands.. This doesn't SCREAM drug dealer does it?
...you should fill the cart some more
Just assume that every drink in that house has alcohol in it.
Tonight we learned that just because we can fit a Tic Tac in the tip of my penis that does not mean we should.
I threw up in my brother's Easter basket
So, I've discovered that I'm approximately 70% nicer to my mother when I've had an orgasm in the last 48 hours. It's science.
Like seriously how stupid drunk do you have to get befor you start finding dolphin lighters and shit in your undergarments
I’M DRUNK AND EXCITED.
Woke up with a bed full of sand...care to explain?
Isnt is self explanatory?
Randomize
