I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
it's like sucking your thumb. only its not yours. and its a penis.
As we walked into his room, he said welcome to the hurt locker. I should have left, but I love that movie.
someone should tell her that easter eggs aren't meant to be dildos.
Jerry just sent me this: IOR GHIT ALL THE BUTTIB. Go get him. Now.
no i brought the cat to the bar. I got a weird look when I walked in but now everyone loves her.
Do you ever just look at me and get embarrassed?
That's what tomorrow is for. It's like bloodletting. Except with shame and liquor.
I mean honestly, I love naps like Anthony Weiner loves sending dick pics
I had to break it to her that she was not in fact behind the bushes when she peed on the church last night
I sat on the bathroom floor yelling "hell hath no fury!" for about 20 minutes.
It's definitely revenge time.
I straight up told your dad I've slept with a majority of your family
I made a separate snapchat account so I could swap nudes with a guy from omegle.
Why do all of your bad decisions sound like fucked up mad libs?
He literally ejaculated and I hit Uber
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
Randomize
