Dude my mom stole all your condoms
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
Also we decided you're the person whose going to die at my bachelor party...do the math you're the most logical choice
Who was that guy I met at your brother's house who had to get stitches in his ass?
I'm about to play Thunderstruck by myself, that way I'll always get the long thunder part.
I just found what appears to be a tooth in my purse...anybody missing one?
Champagne is a vitamin, right?
Text me when you wake up so I know you're ok. It's really worrisome to get home at this hour and find 3 men passed out in my room but no you. Love you, goodnight. :-)
That's not a good night. A good night is waking up with no skirt, no money, and the imprint of the edge of the bar on your forehead.
it was like vegas minus all of the penis and death threats
He bought you footie pajamas. Shit's pretty serious.
I say this as a friend, you would make a SPECTACULAR crossdresser
It was crazy man, at one point after already going 3 rounds I tried to breakaway for a smoke...she yanked me by the nipple hair back on top of her.
His mom wants to come see the dorm.
Hide the whip.
I am dancing alone in my bathroom because I was paranoid the neighbors were watching through the windows
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