my professor just told me i smelt like a brewery infront of my whole class b4 my final presentation
i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
she looked like she should be chained to micheal vicks radiator
In case you were wondering, it hurts when the bouncer throws your phone at you after kicking you out of the strip club for taking pictures.
Precisely. She's an awesome drinking companion; yet, not so awesome mother-in-law material.
I tried to make friends with the geese living behind Hughes. They didn't really like that idea.
Are you high?
He shoved his balls through an egg carton and showed us a picture. They were surprisingly egg-like.
I gave him shit for taking my sloppy seconds and when I woke up my eyebrow was gone
She's barefoot and topless screaming "HERE KITTY-KITTY" at a stray cat in the ditch on the side of the highway. How do I get her back in the car?
For starters i called the cops on myself for trying to destroy the ladys decorations
Well it might’ve been because you asked to play What Makes You Beautiful at the club
Awesome. I did a rain go away dance. And it went away. Nbd just cotrollin the weather with my mind and sweet dance moves
I was high as fuck laying down in the back seat while she gave him head. Most awkward chill moment of my life.
I'm cuddly bitch. Deal with it.
He stopped the gas pump at 69 and gave me my receipt. He wants it.
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