Dude ... paraplegic porn is really creative..
I just woke up with a bunch of French fries in my hand and a chocolate shake balancing on my pillow. Lovely.
I kept pulling the $1 bills off the stage and told everyone "no no no she has to work for this money"
I think I've reached that age where I should start dating "congrats" and not "are you keeping it?"
Babies are disgusting. I held one once. Then I washed my hands and rinsed my mouth out with wine.
This guy is clearly nuts his idea of a hangover cure is a six pack poured into a camelpack then hiking 3 miles with a weighted vest. He said "learned it in the army i guess drink beer beat the heat"
Is it weird that I noticed my lower half feels strange and then further realized it's bc I'm wearing underwear to bed for the first time in weeks..maybe months?
It's been awhile, you pregnant yet?
So, in keeping with the last two years, are we going to watch the new Hobbit movie on acid again? It's kinda starting to feel like a Christmas tradition.
Exactly man. Who needs doctors when you have vodka and hot knives.
Only you could go on vacation to visit family and hook up with a pro NFL player from Tinder
He told me to leave him behind and bury him in his batman pajamas. So two lessons I guess, don't give Tom whiskey and don't touch his daddy issues with a twenty nine and a half foot pole.
I was on top for a full on make out when in dead silence "I'm moaning Myrtle" came from the TV. Moment ruined. I got cock blocked by a fictional ghost
I use my feet as sexual weapons
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
Randomize
