When I masturbate I pretend my dick is the slap chop an I'm destroying vegtables. Do you think that's a eating disorder?
after we finished he farted and said 'i've been holding that one in'
just had dinner with my dad's new gf and her daughter.. had to drink a beer to get through it.. she's 19 she has on a disney watch and snowflake earrings
She jerked me off while she drove us back from Denver going 70mph. It was both the scariest and most erotic moment of my life.
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
You kept saying thank you to the automatic toilet as it flushed your puke.
Hate to say it and even though I definitely have a biased opinion but I'm surprised your not, sleeping with anyone else. Good personality, charisma and amazing in the sack.
Feel free to use me as a reference.
Lol okay. He's gonna show up with like a trunk of sex toys. He's like the mary poppins of hotel fucking.
Everything smells like vodka and bologna. WHAT DID YOU DO?
I spent 10 minutes contemplating condensation on grapes this morning.
Like I'm getting finger banged and my family is making cookies in the kitchen. Talk about terrifying
I wish I were single again so I could actually have sex.
I emptied a Vyvance capsule into my coffee pot last night and set the auto start. Pretty sure I've been drinking meth all morning
Just went to jump into bed... Completely missed the bed.
Did u find my other sock in your bra? U said u were uneven so I did the gentlemanly thing.
Randomize
