alcohol turns me into mario batali of easy mac
I just had someone call me out on a walk of shame via megaphone
Watched a women out our tannin salon literally fight police because she was getting arrested for trying to drunkenly fight the tanning salon owner...we need to step up our day drinking this is shameful.
im seconds away from chugging that vodka and preforming the surgery on myself.
We ran out of ice cubes so I used ice cream. Everyone thought that was the plan all along. I just went with it.
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
We hotboxed his closet and accidentally lit some of his shirts on fire... do we have a fire extinguisher?
Too many penises have met your hands. Stop or die.
Use "feeling words"
Yay
she's like a sexy human version of my cat. i can't catch her, and she keeps throwing up in the corners.
In other news, I just burned my penis
Do you always skip to "Baby Got Back" when fat girls show up at the bar?
I'm the Oprah of jello shots
tonight...tonight im having sex in honor of you
Do you think it's my receding hair line that makes all the milfs attracted to me??
Randomize
