I need to just get drunk and eat a pot pie.
I am looking at the epitome of fake boobs right now
mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
Banging your ex-girlfriends best friend 3 days after you break up is like saying "fuck you" with feeling. I wouldnt have it any other way.
HOnestly. That's my one goal for this whole trip. I don't give a shit about souvenirs or sand. I want penis.
I really should sober up and deal with this hangover
It seems to be one of those life decisions I'm perfectly content never making though
i had confetti in my bra
i still find it in random places like a shoe or my car. that week haunts me
They nicknamed me the gargoyle. Sex with me is getting gargoyled. The last one I fucked yelled "gargoyle me" for dirty talk. I think fucking me is part of their pledging initiation. Somewhat OK with this.
Does the blue bra belong to your sister or cousin?
Oh my god please beg your father to turn the car around so you can possibly get laid by a knight at medieval times.
he texted me at 3am asking for "one of my famous blowjobs"
I JUST FOUND AN INTERNATIONAL POLE DANCING CHAMPIONSHIP IN SPANISH
he came to me for relationship advice and we ended up fucking in my backseat
I've decided to become a librarian so I can drunkenly quote The Mummy and have it be legit.
Thanks to you I can't show my boobs tomorrow for the interview.
You came in wearing a whipped cream bikini what did you think would happen
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