No. I broke it. Note to self, never take a shower with your phone in your pocket.
i just got arrested. apparently dont move means dont move.
She called me Jeff during sex, I just kept going like nothing happened. To think, if I was a woman that would be a problem.
I'm doing shots of crown out of a baby bottle. My friends are sensational parents.
Just when you think you're never going to have sex again, BOOM you're naked in bed with a guatemalan
i just threw up in the porta potty. i am in no condition to be guarding anyone's life rite now.
We just leapfrogged all the way to the bar.
Who are these men, what are we doing here, how is this helping us toward our goals of sex and pasta? Things to consider.
I'm like a magical alcohol dispenser. I pulled this kahlua out of my vagina.
As we were passing the joint around, people were dunking Jenga pieces in Vaseline and sticking them to the window. I also smoked weed with a girl that was in an above the influence commercial.
We found her on the balcony debating if it was easier to jump or throw up. Neither decision would not have been good for the 91 year old below us.
Apparently my Ambien addled brain last night actually did decide to go ahead and photoshop you into various animal and human molesting scenarios. That's a hell of a thing to wake up to.
You just put lesbians and Hogwarts in the same sentence. Of course I'm in.
I need you to be best friend brutally honest about whether or not I can go into public like this.
I feel like asking for a towel for after I puke before I puke to be more respectful than jus going outside to puke and coming back inside covered in sweat and tears.
Randomize
