Dude she has a bf and shes on lockdown more than Nelson Mandela in 95
hey what are you doing
hooking up with some marlborough girl. shes gorgeous!
i texted you because i like you, and i told my freinds you were my fiance. but sine we're not dating you're not cheating and i'm pathetic
Having an 'SDSU Mom' sticker is just like say 'Hi, my daughter has an std"
he's a bartender at a gay strip club. maybe he can work his magic. with getting u in, not gay magic.
Just found out my drug dealer is also a porn star. It's a good day.
I am spending my work day planning my weekend drinking schedule
the guy was wearing a viagra shirt, i knew what i got myself into.
I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.
True on all accounts.
I think my new low is running outside in a towel to pet a particularly fluffy looking squirrel and projectile vomiting off the balcony.
Just to update you. I am dead. So your probably gonna have to find a new roommate
im not trying to sound dramatic, but im covered in microwavable lasagna
I just hit on a guy in a doughnut store... is that too suggestive?
Trying to stay sober at a family function but hiccuping so fucking loud. "Have you been drinking?" I hit on my cousin so yeah. I have been drinking.
I just watched your sister pour half a bottle of cotton candy flavored snow cone syrup into a bottle of marshmallow flavored vodka, take a swig, frown, and pour a cherry coke in.
Just wait until she offers you a "powerita"
Dude, A DAMN CHEESEBURGER HIT ME IN THE FACE!!! WTF was i suppoused to do!?.
Randomize
