My boss just told me $1,000 at a six hour event wouldn't be worth her time. She makes $70k a yr. and apparently never learned multiplication.
i just wanna lock my vagina in a safe filled with bandaids and healthy things
we're almost there. Shes pounding on the car window telling the nurse whos on a smoke break to fuck off.
The last thing I remember is ordering two Martinis while yelling 'CAN YOU PUT THAT IN ONE GLASS?'
I feel like jumping into a breast pit right now. Like the old school ball pits at mcdonalds.
All I need right now is some mouthwash, dignity, and security camera footage...
We didn't have sex because he locked himself in the bathroom and passed out while he was taking a shit. I cuddled with his cat.
When this bachelor party is over and your life is in ruins, you have my permission to die.
Goddamn you thin people LEAVE FOOD FOR THE BIGGER DRUNKARDS WHO NEED IT
Does buying my brother condoms for Christmas say "keep having sex with her, I like her" or "dear god, do not get this girl pregnant"?
Omg you can't vacuum salsa that's just ridiculous
Best day ever, my junk is bigger than Kate Uptons boyfriends. Yay for Fappening day!
I wouldn't hate if he could handle a sex only type of ship. I really don't want to use the word "relation" in front of that.
I just watched your sister pour half a bottle of cotton candy flavored snow cone syrup into a bottle of marshmallow flavored vodka, take a swig, frown, and pour a cherry coke in.
Just wait until she offers you a "powerita"
Just set the kids up with doughnuts downstairs so I could go up and masturbate uninterrupted. I am such a good mom.
Randomize
