But if ***** wants to get filthy... Tell her to throw a text my way ;)
I dont know why I dont listen to you more often. He wont stop texting me. And his signature is "dancing with no panties on"
you know you've made it when it's your own pool table you're waking up on
Dude. He only had one testicle. It was like his whole package was a Muppet Show character coming at me.
Hello everyone will one of you please inform me on why I woke up in a cardboard recycle dumpster with no shirt and a stuffed animal? I want to hear this explanation.
Your godly.
does it count as a threesome if she tried to blow the dude who was passed out next to us?
This is going to be BYOBM Vegas trip: Bring Your Own Bail Money.
I miss the days of selfishly blowing a load in the condom without her knowing and acting all like "we shouldn't do this" so she would get dressed and leave.
Well, I wanted to be you for Halloween but I couldn't fit seven dicks in my mouth.
There is no amount of alcohol that can make me forget I had a Jimmy Kimmel sex dream
I never woulda thought that back in kindergarten playong kickball that'd i'd be 24 getting plastered in front of the white house and winning a kickball championship in a young adult drinking league
I just remember her dragging me inside in a panic saying we needed mentos and popcorn I have no fucking clue how we ended up asleep in her closet.
One day i'll wow you with artfully trimmed pubes.
I used my dress as a plate for pizza rolls last night
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
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