the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
It snowed today. The whore-inducing weather is official over.
It never fails.. every time I have a dick in my mouth he calls me.
ya, but you'll graduate college with a higher education. I'm looking at at least two addictions, an abortion, and a few weeks jail time.
I wouldn't fuck her. Looks like her vagina smells like a seaside orgy.
So I love how we keep introducing our friends to sex toys. It's like pay it forward vibrator edition.
At front desk. Got a beer drinking pigeon.
In light of your oncoming completion of twenty-three years of personhood, I feel a pressing need to blast country-pop phenomenon Taylor Swift's hit single "22" in your general direction until midnight.
Apparently I yelled "Spring Break 1984" at a drunk couple fighting on the side of the road.
Last night must have been awesome because I went to get in the shower only to find the bat symbol drawn on my chest
That happened during battle shots lol
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
I'm at the point in my life where I'm gonna sell my eggs for cash
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
I am that special "drink water and be grateful I'm alive" kind of hungover
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