Do you think "I had sex with my co-worker last night I don't think I can come in today" is a good excuse?
i just spit dirty mouth water on my dentist. and apparently grinning sheepishly and saying "my b" doesn't make it better
So I have $4.22 in my bank account, just wrote a check for a tooth brush from quikmart, and bought a 25 cent condom from the bathroom. i don't know whats more sad, my bank account or the fact that i'm entrusting my entire future to a condom machine that was probably last filled in 1970
Throwing up while listening to pandora radio. Don't tell me my life doesn't have theme music.
No He hasn't done that since the time he came in his own eye
Itd be like fucking a waterbed thats been locked in a barn for two years.
Where in the FUCK do you get your analogies
I was in my bathroom taking a shit and my mom just opened the door, walked in, handed me a fudgesicle, and left without saying a word. Yeah. That just happened.
We're discussing which museums we should go to when we shroom. How ill would Picasso be?
who dressed up as a cop at your party???
idk I have to check. Why?
he gave me the best strip search of my life. FIND HIM.
Cool. Some 22 year old kids gave me a ride home from the bar last night. In related news, I made out with a 22yr old last night. He was adorable
fuck that its my house. if i want to take 1 bite out of the chicken & leave the rest i fucking will. suck my dick
I fell out of the car while it was moving then got puked on then puked and cried about then got back in the car and puked out the window when we started moving again
YOUUUU FUCKING FURRYYYY
I DIDN'T COME HERE TO BE SLANDERED LIKE THIS
so i was about to call you for your birthday but then i started making out with this guy... and i feel bad but i felt like you'd understand
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
Randomize