yeah she is the one who tells people i beat girls.. which ironically make me want to punch her in the face
I think I sharted a yagerbomb.
I just realized that all of my cardio comes from dancing on tables.
Yeah, we spent most of the evening making fun of the drunk girl until we realized it was you.
I dont know why people are racist. Both the mexicans and the irish gave us holidays where everyone drinks on a wednesday.
please tell me you didn't have sex with him in the bathroom...
Does an alley count?
I had to step in when you tried to make it rain baking powder on my sister
I probably looked like a mental patient. I had my IV in one hand and cup of pee in the other, swaying around with a dazed grin on my face. I love vicodin.
You may genuinely find a use for the siphon. But the bag of human hair is less likely.
well I was pissed. first he yelled at me for having my own condoms, then he got mad when they didn't fit him. Dude, I only fuck magnum men.
I showed up to a booty-call in my onesie pajamas and rubber boots
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
I woke up an hour ago with orange fingers and a condom stuck to my head.. Wtf just happened?
He just kept going down on me. And he was all like, do you mind? No motha fucka, who would? All of his ex's, apparently. Whatever, he's a gem and I'm keeping him.
Randomize
