Now hope fervently that she'll do it quick and cheap, just the way i like it
Abreva sucks. I applied it as directed and now it looks like I fed the herpes. They're throwing a party on my bottom lip.
Wait, we're on the hunt for addys and explosives. They're both in this house somewhere.
Just snuck alcohol into the hospital for my mom.
how thoroughly do i need to sanitize the cone the vet put around my dog's neck for it to be safe to use as a beer bong?
And I was slip and sliding my life away on a giant tarp with tons of soap and bitches. Priorities man, priorities.
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
I woke up with hair in my teeth and half his beard was missing.
Yeah her jello shots are the next closest thing to a lethal injection. That potent.
If I had pants on, you wouldn't be getting this text message
Just got shoved by an Elvis impersonator. Evidently it isn't cool to ask how much of a disappointment they are in the eyes of their parents.
Know what I do when I'm in that mood? Whenever anyone talks to me I just hiss like a cat. They go away.
She made me pour olive oil on her.
There's no triumph quite like finally banging your high school boyfriend 6 years later
In case you were wondering I realized something last night, Rick James was correct. Cocaine is a hell of a drug.
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