I would drag my balls through a mile of broken glass to eat pudding out of her anus
Oh, don't even get me started. Harry Potter is so pure. Twilight is just teenage girl porn.
You told the cops that they couldn't arrest you because they weren't hot enough to fuck
Stripper fight on main stage. It just happened. And it was glorious.
You were mumbling a lot and offered me 20 dollars to leave you alone
Alcoholism comes in two forms... Us.
We need a plan...
Find random men. Use them as sexual objects. There's our plan.
Just made a photo collage of the girls I've hooked up with this summer. I'm patting myself on my back right now
Sitting on the curb by new england comics with a weeping drunk girl who's eating french fries saying she'll never be as successful as her sister the hand model. She's scaring the nerds.
you fail at everything in life besides blacking out
showering high made me realize that i should seriously reconsider my career path... id be a damn good hair shampooer & head massager
SShout out to Barney the Dinosaur for teaching me how to sing the ABCs backward. I just scored a free pitcher.
Well my parents know I get medical Cannabis they saw me on the news at the dispensary
My thoughts mid terrible hookup: do people normally read a magazine right about now?
if I hear Wonderful Christmastime one more time I'm putting my foot up Paul McCartney's ass.
Randomize
