I think I tried picking up these girls last night by asking them what their favorite color was...I obviously woke up alone
Our cab driver just admitted to beating up kids in the 60's who didn't smoke pot...
You basically told your boyfriend at the time you were going to shit in his hands.
And I meant every ounce of it.
Right, well, that begs the question of where did you get the whip, why are you using it, and why don't you carry one around more often?
You slept on a pillow of digiorno
You blacked out at 9:30 and insisted on sleeping in the hallway after you chugged an entire pitcher of beer. I guess the Jell-O shots were stronger than we thought...
I just want someone to put their head on my boobs and laugh at my jokes ....
I'm kinda glad you won't be in Vegas tomorrow because you'd make us go streaking or throw dead animals at them.
I woke up and my pants were in the kitchen but my shoes were next to my bed. Do the math...
Is there a tactful way to ask "how are your balls?" Or do I just ask point blank
I'm at that stage of drunk where just imagining having sex makes me motion sick.
It was a glorious ass. He has amazing hands. I want to fuck him until he can't do math anymore.
I would just like to say that I was the one who said that we should find scissors, when they were cutting your hair with a kitchen knife. I am responsible.
I still feel bad for it, even though I technically only videotaped it and helped will to distract the questioning neighbor
He sent me a picture of his cock that seemed to indicate that we were still on good terms.
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
Randomize
