i was trying to wake him up so i just kept touching his dick
im sitting in the back of my pickup eating an artichoke. please come find me, im scared.
that was a mass text, wasnt it?
Even the paramedic said "what a way to kill a party"
It's like the last supper of drinking before the summer ends
not much sitting here stoned eating my little sisters halloween candy and judging each individual hersheys candy bar and after much deliberation by the selection committee the original hersheys chocolate bar won
I went from innocently day drinking to waking up handcuffed in jail. Fuck you game days
Mom said you looked used
i cant believe im seriously wearing his ex girlfriends underwear right now
On a scale of zero to "unmitigated disaster," how drunk is he?
DID YOU DO SOMETHING WITH THE DEAD ROACH IN THE KITCHEN? OR DID IT LAZARUS?
It's getting harder and harder to fake orgasms as I get older.
Tequilla is a sneaky bitch ninja that doesn't kick in until you least expect it. Then BAM! You're peeing in unconventional places.
She did what?
Who. The correct term is she did who.
Did you see him? The correct term is definitely what.
Oh god he’s a clown I fucked a rodeo clown
Are you coming over for scrambled eggs and hand jobs?
Randomize
