I don't know how I got that girl last night. I feel like seal right now sans the scars
i really did not know you could catch crabs from a sofa until now
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
i just discovered a movie that charlize theron is a sex addict. i think my prayers have been answered
I just sat through a State Farm mortgage Insurance commercial to watch a Trick Daddy video. Is this the target audience they are going for here?
Used my jumper cables as a bottle opener last night. Really pleased with my problem solving skills.
They want me to get them some X for there wedding present. I'm on the way to get it now
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
I will accept it in the form of tooth necklace but if you have better ideas I am open to suggestions.
What do you mean you don't want me to steal the manikin do you have any idea how expensive inflatable dolls are I can't get that for your birthday
Yes, let me tell you about the time I was forcibly locked in a bathroom when my ex-girlfriend was having a bad shroom trip.
There is a Victoria's Secret pageant on right now with Taylor Swift singing in lingerie. I didn't know a penis could get this erect.
I hooked up with a guy named Quan.. I literally hit the Quan
I'm sorry for what I said when I was orgasming
I think I had Hypothermia but was too drunk to notice.
Randomize
