the drag queen on stage looks like shes wearing the EXACT same dress i wore 2 senior prom.
a girl in my class is on a twilight fan site and running her fingers on the screen as edwards body comes up.
I might not be able to enter cuba but that doesn't mean that a cuban can't enter me
thanks for waiting 12 hours to ask if I was in a ditch or not
you made sure you came back for your bottle of vodka but didn't remember to take your shoes
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
As girls, Bert & Ernie are not very bangable costumes. At least not by who we'd want to get banged by.
I was kidding. But I promise you I'd still find us the most eligible bangables, even if we dressed up like a dumpster and a prom night baby.
I want to take my head off and cuddle with it
Maybe it will forgive me and stop being an asshole
how do you not remember that?! you winked at the bouncer and then proceeded to grind on him while chugging a beer. i don't know if i should be proud or embarrassed to be your friend
I may or may not have puked in the ladies room. Now I get to convince my client to go to substance abuse treatment. Oh, the irony.
Watching my ex make out with another girl is weird.
But she's wearing a jumpsuit so I feel better.
I've needed to start drinking protein shakes to keep up with her. It's like my dick just started doing crossfit.
I need to stop getting so drunk at bowling
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
At least he uses his lack of impulse control for chaotic good instead of chaotic evil
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