Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
maybe i would like her more if 99% of her sentences didn't start with "yesterday when i was reading twilight..."
i have a bunch of little boys around me trying to hit on me
dont be selfish, show some boob
Just wanted to let you know that I always win at "whose ex is crazier" because of you.
So currently I have a block of cheese duct taped to my air conditioner in lieu of a fridge.
Just had a stripper snatch my glasses off my face with her ass
Except there is my pee all over the walls now
NO I WOULD NOT GET A GUMMER FROM A GRANDMOTHER
You know it's going to be a good night when you're barking by 8:20.
The picture on Facebook I was just tagged in, with the mask, that is the definition of Carmen, my drunk alter ego
My vagina feels like a chupacabra ripped me apart using its mythological set of needle pointed teeth
Do you remember me asking for jerk off videos from Tinder guy?
Nah I don't remember that being part of the criteria
i just woke up, first off why is there pineapple everywhere and who's underwear is on my ceiling fan ?
I'm at home 4 xanax deep watching She's all that.. no I don't want to go out. The couch is eating me.
Why did you buy a cock ring?
I’m going to propose to his penis
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