It's official. Every guy I've slept with has been to jail.
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
Or they can chase TEQUILA shots with it. I don't know why my phone capitalizes TEQUILA.
Just bought a McDouble with a tightly rolled dollar. The lady just gave me a sad face...
I'd feel sorry for him and his injury but it's an inconvenience for my vagina
yeah its nbd she just bit me in the face. be there soon
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
Yeah then she waddled like a duck in silence sat down and ate the entire paper towel roll.
Between the uncertainly of my bowels today, and the distance the bar is to my house, remember I am doing this for you and our mutual appreciation of alcoholism.
I want you to get off the plane and get directly into my pants
I'm graduating college in 4 days. I already miss the bad decisions
You know you're gay when you have to have your coworkers explain to you why your bracket is terrible
He smoked and I was tired so left before we did anything. I literally left him high and dry.
Soo are you just gonna poop in my bathtub and not talk to me anymore...?
There is a wine bar at this airport that it is currently full of mid-40s women reading their Kindles. I'm attracted to all of them.
It's 11 A.M.
You know what, I think I will
Randomize
