If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
she made me cover her fishbowl with my shirt because she "didn't want to corrupt it."
My dad walked in on me masturbating in my own apartment.....my own apartment!!
The drunk teletubby stumbling out of the place tipped me off..
She only remembers me when she's drunk. It's like I'm a suppressed memory that only surfaces with alcohol.
She told me she was going to ride me so hard i would cum the ghosts of my ancestors...its gonna be a good time
i actually pissed myself from laughing when I saw the old man in lingerie carrying a spiderman purse. I dont know if he was real or if it was the tequila, but my head hurts.
And my cat won't make me food. She's a bitch
All in all only spent $2 at the bar ln... Fucking love having a vagina
Happy Birthday. May your liver respect you, fat bitches neglect you, hangovers reject you, and AA accept you.
I'm actually drinking gin and juice out of a floridas natural carton...so if that has any indication of how I'm doing
A man in a black on black escalade pulled up next to me, and told me he was sent to pick me up by you.
His name is Tyreece. He will take you to the weed emporium, population me.
I don't wanna shit myself again in 2015
I'm supposed to be at work in 10 min, I just woke up and am 45 min away...tinder for the win
Can I get my morals surgically removed?
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