I'm at a party with that guy you made out with on new years. He remembers your name!
I'm going to kill the bastard that switches my hot hookups from the previous night with ugly chicks
Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
She forgot my birthday again. How do you forget something that came out of your vagina???
so he woke up after being passed out and yelled that he had brought back moon rocks for everybody...
Either this is the best sandwich I've ever had, or my stomach is just relieved to have something in it that's not Red Bull or semen.
Spent 200 bucks on a stripper for a good night hug. I give up.
You kept screaming how great you were at drawing poptarts and you insisted on drawing them all over my forearm
And after we were done he said "Let's play a game! Who can find their clothes first"
He always finds the good stuff. He's like a truffle pig for bud.
i am one UTI away from banning your fingers from my vagina
Today is the day I die from a hangover. I love you, mom. Farewell.
Sorry I peed on your ottoman
You got stoned and bought $300 worth of pudding. Again! Why do YOU think she left you?
Let's just say I peed the bed last night, and I wasn't in it alone. Whoooops
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