Picture the opening band right now: euro, beer guts, one member in oversized hipster lumberjack apparel, the other in childsized american apparel and shorts. Singing in german.
This is the 4 year anniversary of the last time I shit my pants. Let's get drunk...
You are like a prophet. It's amazing how many people you convince to be lesbians.
He did not want a thank you for helping me move in bj. I don't know how to thank him now.
We're just Facebook friends. Use guy logic. I tapped your wife in high school, 20 years and 60 lbs ago, when she was hot and experimental. Why would I mess with that now? It would ruin the vivid memories of her that I keep in my spank bank.
I will find you...
first thing my tuition money buys is a strap on
He just said his penis sings like Mariah Carey...Im going with drunken.
I swear to god, my hangover cure is a green tea and a 15 minute twerkout. works every time
You fell asleep mid blowjob with my vibrator in your HAND. So no, I will not bring you pizza.
Like I respect him so much I would suck his dick
In a very non respectful way
You will bone me until my eyeballs fall out. This is not a request.
Not sure if buying Twisted Teas for the alcoholics posted up outside the gas station counts as paying it forward but I am optimistic.
I’m literally lecturing this class on professionalism, while my body is undoubtably covered in leftover cum from last night. I’m a fucking role model.
You came in yelling "I'm el scorcho" and then axe can flamethrowered my dresser. Awesomeness aside, you owe me a new dresser.
He was a Cher impersonator. They are the draggest of queens
Randomize
