i'm drinking out of my 'black like my president' mug
Family of uber douches all wearing ed hardy in a hummer taking up 2 parking spots at starbucks. Please be more cliche
I was too drunk to read the menu, let alone her body language.
I'm riding in a wheelchair, being pulled by a golf cart. You need to be here.
you trust me enough to eiffel tower a girl but don't trust me with a mallet wtf happened to our friendsship
I definitely hasselhoffed a taco bell burrito on my kitchen floor in front of my dad and little brother.
If it's any consolation, I've been sitting in the hallway in assless chaps for the past thirty minutes
We bought a hamster while completely stoned and 2 hours later returned it because your mother wouldnt let you bring it in her house. You cried. a lot.
Whoever owns the butter that i always steal out of the office fridge definitely put THC butter in there this time. Shit just got real.
Of the 4 nights I've gone downtown this week, I've been "piss in the parking lot" drunk 5 times
In 2009 his now husband dressed in a sailor onesie and heels for pride so he needs to REMEMBER how to party
My roommate fed me my birth control pill while I was hungover laying on the couch so that's how my morning has been
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
doc says my ankle might be broken, they're going to do xrays. He asked me what happened and I told him if he could find out that would be great.
She called me at 2am crying because her late night booty call moved out of state
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