Just threw up in a trash can by the ATM. Then pulled out money for weed.
I just worked out and used handles of vodka as weights. Whoever said alcoholism is detrimental to you health obviously has no fucking idea.
i believe i can now do shots of gasoline with no chaser. its been that kind of summer.
What I thought it would be sexy pouring melted chocolate down here chest, ended up in second degree burns. Hot food and sex do not mix.
we found you outside the hotel room sleeping with a note next to you that said " we made sure you were comfortable, hope your friends come back soon"
She's either too fat to type, hammered or has terrible spelling.
I feel like I deserve an award for facing my fear of penises in my face.
i need some food
Holy shit I forgot about you stabbing him.
Cleaning my room at 2am, in just one corner I found six beers, half a pint of whiskey, my flask, 2 shotgun bullets, my crown and shimmer lotion.
I asked him for something to clean up with after sex and he handed me a sham wow. A SHAM WOW
Hella random but just hear me out...A bar that is a petting zoo. Bitches love petting zoos.
You're a goddess. Probably of destruction and dick jokes, or some shit, but man, lesser bitches wish they could be half as fab.
so the casino kicked my ass last night, i'm pretty sure i hit a new level of hungover....just showered with my sunglasses on because the bathroom light is too bright
Just had to read the instructions to my microwave. How am I so high?
Drunk me says 72 hours of Mexican Viagra and room service.Sober me says we stopped being lovers for a reason after the last lost weekend.
Randomize
