Sorry if I'm being weird. I'm dipping doritos in cabernet.
just got hammed at grandma and grampas 30th aniversary bash .. from the looks i was getting im guessing i wont be seeing an inheritance ...
At least drunk me was smart enough to stash toilet paper in my bag before I started my walk home. Finally countless squat pees and wiping with grass taught me to be prepared.
I LOVE YOU SO MUCH I'M ON A WILD DICK CHASE FOR YOU. How many lesbians do YOU know that would do that? HOW MANY????
So. I need to gloat. I couldn't exactly tell my family that I won this game by deep throating.
Today's weekday brunch started at 2pm, and consisted of $7 of sandwich and $50 of cocktails. Also, I hustled the bartender for about $3 playing nickel poker, but he may have been letting me win. Either way, he didn't get into my pants.
I'm making a date with someone on Playstation Home. That's how my sex life is going right now.
I just explained my sex life to the "if you give a moose a muffin" book... Is that weird?
Just woke up with an entire pack of Oreos in my cheetah onesie. I've been waiting for this moment forever.
How do you clean puke off a stuffed bear?
If you can't have hot, loud sex in a dorm for the last time ever, what can you do in this world?
Don't you hate falling asleep on the couch with a glass of wine in your hand? It's like dreaming about peeing and then realizing you've peed the bed only stickier.
Almost ran out to the street bowl in hand when I hear the ice cream truck pull up outside.
Everything about that text makes me proud to be your sister.
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
I swear I only fuck him for the huge bottle of smart water he gives me afterwards.
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