2:23 am: come sit on my lap i have a stick that'll keep you in place
I found a picture of my kindergarten class. Now you can see whose peer pressure I succumbed to.
Ok, but If I make this happen, my first born son gets to fuck your first born daughter
Well he's not exactly single.. It's like an open relationship his wife doesn't know about
Highlight of my weekend: having my card suspended due to "suspicious charges" and standing in line at the gas station yelling at customer service on the phone that I really did go to 4 different strip clubs in one night
Almost just got kicked out of a bar because the locals spilled beer everywhere when we taught them to shotgun.
We got to the party at eleven, and the host was already in the hospital from being stabbed. And she brought the stabber home with us when we left.
He got kicked out 3 times. I have no idea how he kept getting back in. I saw him walking on the highway the next morning.
THERE IS NOT ENOUGH CAPSLOCK IN THE HISTORY OF THE WORLD TO EXPRESS MY CURRENT STATE OF WHAT THE FUCK JUST HAPPENED
If I showed up at your door with pizza and a bottle of tequila wearing nothing but chaps and a fireman helmet, would you send me away?
I didn't know White Castle was open when your sober.
He was 6'8" - I shit you not! He sat up in my bed and the ceiling fan got him right in the forehead.
if i had an alexa it would be saying “have sex with guys that don’t care about you”
I'm pretty sure he sprained my clit...
I took advantage of the fact that my mentee had to go to the bathroom to throw up in the other stall. I'm going to hell for being hungover at an elementary school.
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