remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
I just had to explain to the pharmacy cashier that the Plan B and thank you notes I was buying were not related.
I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
We've made a drinking game out of how many times the tornado sirens go off. We're good at tornado safety.
The frequency that you give me blue balls couldn't be healthy.
there is a dorito bag in my car full of my mouth blood
You were riding my three year old's train yelling, 'I think I can, I think I can!!'
I thought I could.
Just had sex in an ice hut. What have you done with your holiday break?
Drunk enough that you donated $50 to taco bell, because they serve a great purpose.
We just banged and he's microwaving shrimp noodles and I'm eating tostitos alone in the dark this is why our relationship works
Yeah she's a complete bitch. But I mostly hate her because she hijacked my fuck buddy.
So pro tip. do not order drugs from india and then assume you know your tolerance level.
That's not the problem. The problem is I thought I was over him but he smells nice today.
Just discovered I was so fucked up last night I called in sick to work... TWICE
The smell of pee and coconut conditioner still makes me think of him
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