and then she said I drew a line on her forehead with my cum and whispered "Simba"
You American Chicks are so confusing....1 day you are on my nuts next day you be trippin
Dude its not just American chicks...a small penis is the same in every language
The solution to mudbutt is never ever Clorox wipes. It stings soooooooo bad.
For a day that started with shitting my pants, things turned out fairly well.
There's a lady carrying her kids toy animals in a crown royal bag. Mom of the year.
He gave me the "I've pictured you while jerkin off" look
Thank GOD those kids were having a lemonade stand, I didn't have anything to wash down my plan b with.
There was no way out of it, seeing as I left my photo ID right next to the vomit.
Heaven was on the 3rd floor and Hell was on the first. When the cop walked up he was confused as to who the noise complaint was for and wrote both apartments a noise violation.
The less fucks you give, the more fucks you get. Kinda like "a penny saved is a penny earned" but with vagina.
I'm reffing a fight in Fight Club I don't even know what I'm doing
I think girls have an advantage in chugging contests. We know how to just open our throats.
the bright side of moving is at least my Tinder options will refresh
I will feel awake by 6 pm
Are we not meeting until 6?
No I'm just saying thats usually when my body knows it's time to party
No, it's okay that he's on a date. I attach no more emotion to him than I do my vibrator.
Randomize
