guy from last night has fluorescent crocs in his closet. judging by the rest of his clothes he doesn't wear them in an ironic way
I just gave head in the laundry room on campus. He said it was one of the best moments in all of history. Take that, neil armstrong.
I need to figure out what I wanna do with my life.
There are margaritas in the freezer still.
3 things. 1. is this real life 2. my liver hates me 3. keg race tonight
More or less binge drinking as a giant grape seemed justified
Your first words after putting out the flames, "how am I supposed to eat girls out with my top lip burned off??"
Yeah no more flaming everclear shots.
Having the sex-a-thon in the back yard led to some really odd tan lines.
Like handprints on my lower back...
The cab driver was nice enough to let you finish your beer in the car, but you crossed the line when you started to pee in the empty bottle
You should kill a bro for me and drag his carcass home so I can study him.
They never prepare you for how broke ur gonna be in college. I just accepted money from two underage girls at a gas station to buy them beer only because I'm trying to figure out a way to run off with it without them noticing.
Dude, use it to buy them beer. Then run the beer to ur car as fast as you can and bring it to the party. Seriously, we're running out of booze over here
I had 17 beers 2 days ago. I'm not dad material yet
I just found your ripped underwear on my chandelier. Care to explain?
I just have to decide what I love more, food or dick.
I'm like the big dick whisperer.
Ate 5 hotdogs today. You need to get me back on my tequila diet cause this shit has to stop!
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