that thing about your dad's boner was meant to be a compliment
She was drunk breaking up with me. All of my emails to her were coming back with UNSUBSCRIBE as the subject.
Your never gonna wash that desperation outta that sweatshirt you know.
And have you ever tried to explain a hickey to your own grandmother?
In the bath trying to absorb water through my skin because I can't drink it.. That hungover
The psychic I saw today told me NOT to text the guy I haven't heard from yet since our first date this weekend b/c it wouldn't go anywhere...Miller light said otherwise. Miller light > Cleo
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
I'm sitting on my couch eating a bag of marshmallows and watching someone run bare ass down the street. What has happened to my life?
He said he could outsmoke me so I challenged him to a weed duel. I don't always very competitive but when I do...
Okay, tomorrow we'll have a day of life-sorting and plasma-selling.
Im shooting goldshlager and waxing my crotch
I don't think anything is more terrifying than the thought that you might shit your pants in front of your boss
He usually doesnt care about me cumming but last night he really tried, I feel that him going to the Womens March benefitted my sex life
I mean she's doing calculus in her head to prove how NOT drunk she is.
I just got fed by 3 guys. I love my job.
Randomize
