there is a priest convention in the hotel. i feel like god is laughing at me.
I know it's getting bad when I wash the bong more often then the dishes
Playing drinking games to Nancy Grace totally counts as "keeping up with current events.."
I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
She passed out in my bed last night before anything happened. She felt really bad about that, so she gave me head when we woke up this morning.
his tattoo said carpe diem which i thought was ironic considering his epilepsy
I just need you there to slap my dick when im flirting with her
It's like she can't drink without using a flambongo
I realised my life had gone downhill since being unemployed when I was making key lime pie on acid at 3am Tuesday morning.
Thats gotta be it. Also just found out that the fireworks will fit in the airsoft pistols...we are all gonna die
You know what, don't say anything. You all made fun on me for saying I would fuck him junior year when he taught us algebra and six years later, HERE I AM.
My final act is to send you this message. I love you. Tell my family that I love them. Except my dad. Tell him I said "Eh..." while rocking your hand side to side. And tell Tim that I will always love the idea of him. Tell Caleb I love him so. Take care of Miss Kitty Fantastico. Tell the world that I will watch over. Good bye. I love you.
You realize that if you get murdered while we're talking, I'm gonna have to explain to your next of kin why the last thing on your phone is a picture of my boobs.
I'm trying to be sexual and you're sending me smashmouth lyrics
There's so many drinking games in the Olympics.
you missed out this chick was licking her paddle
Randomize