On my way home i need to take a massive dump and couldn't wait.
My wife says its no good to have oral sex during pregnancy. So i guess pregnancy is like regular life.
I just found your spare underwear and the half eaten granola bar you left in my purse.
A zombie called me motorboat central while participating in an auction to motorboat my tits. he then proceeded to propose, insisting that he makes alot money.
We enjoyed our moment of partial gayness together
He shoved his balls through an egg carton and showed us a picture. They were surprisingly egg-like.
Drunk texting with my high school teacher. This hurricane is bringing out the best in everyone!
Fuck. I have to get my shit together by lunch. Mission impossible.
Can I just have sex with him and then never talk to him? I need him to be the Mr. Miyagi of my sex life.
yea but i missed the pot and poured the boiling water on my dick. shit hurts. aint nothin easy about that mac
come home. i made deep-fried hotdogs; don't let me die alone.
My Captain America poster fell down. Cap is disappointed in my life decisions.
the hot lifeguard just pulled a McDonald's cheeseburger out of her fanny pack.
I just got offered free tattoos if I smuggle some guns from OKC to Dallas for a guy in the hells angels
My dad accidentally texted me asking if I had weed...
Maybe you should say yes, and you guys can like bond or something...
Randomize
