So drunk i had to piss sitting down...
Last-second stop at the drug store for lube and condoms. Clerk said "So uhmmm...that's a done deal, huh?"
High five!
Turns out "bordello" doesn't mean what I thought it did.
ok plan lets look hot and dance like whores.
He had a huge mole on his dick. Genetics has cockblocked him for life.
I am not old enough to be running into past fucks at the bank. This is at least a twenty five year old milestone.
He showed up drunk to my cousions HS grad party, we stayed at the bars till 2, then he got up at 5 to run a half marathon and by the time I woke up wlhe was already back and drinking.
What sexual position says im sorry for your loss?
You know what I'm hearing? Blah, blah, blah, I have pneumonia, blah, blah, blah, I'm a quitter. COME OVER AND PUT YOUR PENIS INSIDE ME.
Ya. I wonder how much being a beard for a major league baseball player pays. This could be a lucrative arrangement...
Ack! That is the first dick pic I've ever received. A) congrats B) that is way grosser than I ever thought t would be.
This Pinterest wedding planning is a good distraction. I'm great at this, my imaginary wedding is beautiful
I cried while dry heaving in the back of the car to the New York song with jay z in it. I was singing it inbetween gags.
Does puke ruin car paint? Good thing it's raining.
Why can't they just let me be the gorgeous cum dumpster that I know I'm meant to be?
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