I fucked a guy named chris tucker last night
she's naming her girl london marie
that kid will be born with a tramp stamp
My landlord doesn't knock anymore when he shows the apt... So i just had sex in front of a family.
didn't stop?
naw, they were rude, not me.
I may have a concussion but the symptoms are the same as a hangover so I can't tell. Best 21st ever.
Its official. 'Jingle Bell Rock' gives me a boner. Thank you Lindsay Lohan & Rachel McAdams.
your mom just called me and asked me why i'm not in jail with you right now.
I took his sheets with my when I left seeing that I underestimated my period. Also grabbed a 6-pack out of the fridge because breakfast is the most important meal of the day & I don't do other peoples laundry for free.
I made Mark strip for me and do a stripper dance. I put 2 dollars in his mouth
Dude. I legit missed class because I got too engrossed in the porn I was watching. Also I need to figure out how to get as flexible as these chicks. Some of the positions they do are outrageous.
If there's one thing i learned from edward 40hands is that i couldnt handle life with bottles for hands
We just stood there eating chocolate chip pancakes, watching you sleep on the bathroom floor.
Found another bruise from Saturday #stopliquor2014
You're acting like you didn't chug fireball, like duh you have bruises you drunk betch
Dude, I can't even reach my asshole to wipe it. I have a lot more to be thankful for this Thanksgiving.
I can't help you there
He's mad about lube? You know what, don't even. I'm not in the proper mindset to discuss lube.
Masturbated furiously for a half hour; ate a fistful of chocolate, then took a nap. Woke up and finished wrapping presents. I've got this holiday thing down.
Randomize
