even in the morning, she still thinks my british accent is real.
I'm not 100% on this, but I'm pretty sure I just accidently talked my way into a threesome.
There's a naked kid on the floor on your side of the bed. Don't freak out when you wake up. I think we need to fix the lock on the door...
I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
you kept thanking chef boyardee for having pull tab cans
The boat wouldn't start, so we brought it back to her house and we've been sitting in it in her driveway for the past 5 hours drinking beer and yelling at peoplee.
They invited me day drinking but brought their kids. 3 two year olds and 1 11 month old. I was asked to change a diaper, I laughed and took another drink of this margarita. I LIKE CHANEL AND TEQUILA NOT CHILDREN. Can we make new friends?
Brandon's Recipe: two parts cocoa, one part sugar, one part milk, two parts four, 378 parts paranoia. Thanks for the fucking brownies, bitch.
I said geronimo as I came I'm not sure if he appreciated the doctor who reference or was just confused
Im about to smoke a huge bowl. My penis is so happy. Who needs girls.
I heard you were drinking whiskey straight from the bottle last night.
Actually I was drinking whiskey straight from 3 bottles, but that is neither here nor there.
are you just sitting in your hotel room drinking popsicle vodka?
.....well anything sounds bad when you say it like THAT
My apartment is also really close to an alcohol rehab in case I get out of hand
You know the party's good when you say "Never have I ever caused an emergency landing" and someone drinks
Everyone has seen your nipples. It's like asking if they ever walked on grass. You need better hangover questions.
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