So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
How am I supposed to spread my seed with you "modern women" and your birth control?
His idea of a romantic evening was shotgunning Keystones. What a keeper.
Keeping hand sanitizer and lube in the same drawer in the same size bottle = awful idea
I started drinking at 10.30am. Ive got a solid buzz, ive decided holidays are to be treated like gamedays
At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
She kept saying I was her favorite Jonas brother, and for some reason, I was ok with that.
I tried carrying you from the bathroom to your bed and you begged me to bring the toilet too
There is a girl on the metro with no shoes and she's using a Crown Royal bag as a purse.
You told me you loved me after I brushed your teeth with my index finger.
We had a pillow fight. It looks like an angel exploded here. A DRUNK ALCOHOLIC ANGEL
Buying drug test kits off amazon. And qualifying for amazonSmile donation to a kids hospital feels wrong and funny at the same time xD
Just had to read the instructions to my microwave. How am I so high?
Thinking and hoping ice cream is the answer to my problems
Omg I'm having dinner at chilli's with a guy who is arguing that getting a weed leaf tatoo on his neck will prevent him from getting a job as a dental assistant
Well that actually sounds reasonable
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