i don't plan on having that self control this summer
remeber the saying "bad choices make good memories" dude our bad choices dont even make memories.
If I can't pick up a cat lady, I probably need to turn to Internet dating.
Fucking her was like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
I will blow you tomorrow if you bring me food tonight. Like a payment plan
Why can't people give useful wedding gifts...like sex swings or Nutella?
How many times have we said we'd stop taking Jell-O shots with strangers?
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
And now you know why we call him Three-Balls Brad
She's 90% sass and 10% boobs
She told me I was absolutely not allowed to sleep with him even though she knows I'm a rule breaker who loves a good challenge.
Me: I shouldn't go to the airport bar it's too expensive and I don't need it. Dark me: SHOTS AT 7 AM
I grabbed the pretzel bag with my toes last night. I think that day of yoga had paid off.
Turns out the guy I did all that coke with the other night is a cop
We're dating now
Been smoking since 4. The inevitable finally happened: I bought a cheesecake.
Randomize
