She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
i wanna stay in my bed and fart for a few more hours
I'm currently imdbing Helena Bonham Carter to see if there are any pictures of her that don't scare the crap out of me.
Good luck with that.
i can barely afford taco bell don't think a baby is in the budget
She left me a voicemail too. It's just her moaning her name repeatedly
He painted his chest for the game... I just fucked an exclamation point.
I just used a baby fork as a roach clip. I am totally the cool aunt.
This is what you sent me from the other side of the pool, "Idk but thers a pool n l wanna get naked take off my trunks ill paddle with my dick"
Props to the guy blatantly doing coke in the bathroom at the bar. Walked out of the stall with a credit card in hand, sniffing loudly and shouting "choo choo"
My mom wants to name our new dog the same name as my fuck buddy. This will be weird
Nice. Ask if they watched saved by the bell. yes=legal. No=jailbait
He said it only counts if it ends up on the internet
A drunk and bleeding peter is knocking on your door... in nothing more than a sombrero, boxers and cowboy boots.
If ur gunna go fuck a guy that's in the baseball hall of fame do you need to shave your legs? I'm so lazy
i'm now remembering the last part of my nigght....ugh. apperently i bargained with the wendys drive up girl after they closed and got "w/e they had left" for $7
Randomize
