You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
i was drunk at family dinner telling about my gay brothers sex ads on criags list
A lady just asked me if you "seat yourselves" here at qdoba. I told her yea and she has been sitting at a table waiting for someone to take her order for 25 mins.
You told the waitress last night "What tip bracket do I have to be in to see your boobs"
I was thinking of baby names while I was giving him a blow job
Are you coming to the bday night? i'll be doing a life-like reenactment of traveling through Bonnie's vaginal canal and taking my first breath of life. Don't think you'll want to miss it.
I can bring a slip n slide and curtains.
I stirred my drink with a butcher knife. His roomate keeps giving me dirty looks
Like what do you want from me
I think we need to dedicate ourselves to building your stamina back to uterus breaking level
i liked you for your lack of ambition and abundance of weed
Of course I'm using oj as a mixer, its flu season.
Apparently 'ewww' is not the correct response to him saying he has to go to a funeral while I'm there.
We can only continue to use the "oh what's the difference between circumcised and uncircumcised" for a few more months before people will see through our lies
Just had a reminder come up that just said "Ham"
I remember 2 things. 1. Hanging through the window. 2. And she needing a bucket to puke in. That’s all. I have no other memory.
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
Randomize
