I fukin lobve the states. Girls here let me fuck them because they like my accent. I may not go back
my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
We told the pizza man that the door was most likely unlocked, he could leave the pizza on the counter and give himself 20%. He did it-I'm never moving out of Aspen.
I like how the only thing you spelled correctly is "i'm tequila"
Most sexually ambiguous night of my life. Kept switching from the NBA finals to the Tonys.
I'm sneaking you alcohol into a hospital. This either says love or "we have a problem"
I think I might be drunk enough to cut my own hair
I had such a pleasant walk of shame. The sun was shining, I smiled at all the high school suckers who judged me on their way to school, and I made friends with an old guy and his dog.
Late night whataburger runs are great, except if you're the one that gets left black out drunk puking in the backyard drinking from the water hose
Just do let me go home with anyone especially I a guy with a hair sweater
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
I need an adult. someone more adult than my current state
So what exactly does one do when my driver gets a DUI and is now arrested and I'm still hiding in the trunk?
I thought my life was going to shit but then I read about Amanda Bynes and I realize it's not so bad
You drunk-dialed me and asked me to describe my burrito
Randomize
