Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
this wart on my finger ripped off while i was fingering this girl the other night. she thought she had gotten her period and started crying so i went with. its better for both of us that way
PS: the photo I uploaded for this internship site is the same one i used for my fake ID. I like to keep it classy.
just heard someone say they saw a guy puke while riding a bike across campus without stopping
I got my period while he was fingering me , I knew it because I never get that wet.
Did u at least say sorry?
I'm guessing "whatever I can get" wasn't the reply the nurse wanted when asking what med I need. Oh, and asked for a cartoon band-aid.
He's prob getting laid right now and I'm sitting alone in my duct tape shoes.
I demanded respect from my fuck buddy. Drunk me is not fun.
What is the protocol for an "i'm sorry I had my ex retrieve me from the bar so I didn't drive drunk" blow job
I have been referring to it as "thanks for getting out of me day" all week. Do you think they will still take me to brunch tomorrow?
I asked for a steak knife but the waitress could see in my eyes it was a bad idea
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
I used the phrase "love child of quasimodo and cyclops " in a sentence today.
I volunteer to be the person who breaks into the room and runs around naked and has to be escorted out by police.
isnt it crazy how for years we were living our owns lives, and now only a wall seperates us?
stop. eating. my. shrooms.
Randomize