Great. Don't do shady things like that ok?
i have i love cock written on my hand and a vagina drawn on my arm and i just finished eating breakfast with the whole fam for mothers day
ahah at least you got away with it
nope...my gran was the one who informed me
Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
He asked me If i had cheated on my boyfriend when I said no he said it's like he doesnt know me anymore
He passed out on the floor and you kept hitting him in the dick and screaming "hammer of justice".
Hurry up and get here. I already announced to the bar that you were on a mission to get laid tonight. I have 3 takers.
Currently doing my walk of shame down a floating dock. No more guys who live on a boat EVER AGAIN
Yeah dude. Pulled out the couch and a bird flew at me. Please tell me who put a bird in my house.
In complete seriousness I think I am the highest person on earth
Get you some cowboy.
In that sentence you are the cowboy. That is not saying you should get a cowboy for yourself.
He said I kept trying to give him directions back to my house in Rhode Island, and that I started crying when he told me I live in Phoenix.
Blowing a married man is so much more important than a 12 year olds basketball game.
They found you popping and locking it alone in the parking lot
The moment when you go to plug in someone else's phone in your car and your lube is in the way. Don't mind that it's just my center console car lube. Normal.
No I got a fucking mosquito bite on my vagina. Summer is off to a bumpy start.
Randomize
