Wow.. I was doing a mental check of my bank balance & I literally just said to myself: 'I have 27 dollars and a bottle of tequila til tuesday-ill be fine'
I decided to name my penis gatorade...is it in you?
This random guy just introduced himself then said "So, I am staying at my friends place and he has a 4 year old, so we should probably go back to your house." WTF kind of vibes do I give off?
I just accidently deleted 60 gigs of porn from my external hard drive. Thats over 300 pornos! I think im gonna cry.
Im surprised that you are even able to text me right now.
Last night started off great but became the saddest day of my life when i was drunk in a hotel room eating day old mac and cheese out of a yatzee cup with a coffee lid as a spoon...
I'm so high I used the top vent on my dashboard to heat up a cheeseburger
I am trying to think of a way to make alcohol cupcakes
Welp. I just hopped out of his window to avoid meeting his parents... happy monday!
I think I actually have rug burn on my eye.
Mike found the condom wrapper on the washing machine and looked at me and said "Magnum? NICE girl. Get that nut!" then proceeded to puke in a cup
Have you had sex with a man from New Zealand? No? Then your input is invalid.
It's like if you wanna bond just do a ropes course or have group sex you don't have to be weird about it
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
I can't decide which is the most disgusting: emily having sex on the stairwell of a frat, michelle shaving her vagina with a razor she found in a frat bathroom, or me getting fingered on the dance floor by some rando. opinions?
She climbed in my window blew me and left. She's in my phone as the blow job fairy
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