He never called back after I emailed him my booty call contract.
It really wasent that hard. The male one had a M and the woman one had a W. I just couldent comprehend that at the time.
It's 8 am and he's already trying to get me to make out with a girl.
If I am going to throw out this whole "born again virgin" thing...i'm not going to do it on someone who is less than 5 inches.
I hid drinks in her bathroom closet.... like a squirrel... a squirrel who knew she was going to get cut off soon
Eating a muffin with a knife and fork. Hangovers have hit a new low.
I told them I got hit by a car again and now im pretty sure they think im being abused but there was no way in hell the truth was going to fly. Employed people aren't supposed to break their faces in piggy back ride accidents.
Nothing is more awkward than taking a dump while someone is crying in the bathroom.
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
Running errands with mom, cool. Coming to pleasures with mom for her valentines night, not ever in a million years cool.
He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
Dude I bought tampons with cardboard applicators by accident and now I know my vagina hates the 1960s
It makes my nipple hurt just thinking about it.
These are the things that make me so grateful... that I slept with your sister instead.
What has my life become? I'be officially recruited my fuck buddy for help getting my ex back.
Randomize
