last nights makeup is better than no makeup at all.
Currently in a meeting. i am playing the not throw up game. god i hope i dont lose.
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
Because you know it would be fucking amazing to get trashed and shatter the dreams of 12 year old girls. I might get a shirt.
You'd think if the campus holds 28,000 undergrad I wouldn't run into three people I've hooked up with in one day
I don't know. I was also picked up by the doormen and held over the bar so I could do an upside down shot out of a bartenders tits.
my goal was to make out with as many people dressed as batman as possible. I have my priorities.
Ok fuckface listen up and listen good. 1.calling dibs on a chick out of your league is like applying for a job with a highlight video 2. dont fucking ski down the stairs again 3. if you do, put it on your highlight video
I fucked her wearing an American flag. Now here I am, awake, naked, and flag less. How do I report this to the police?
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
No other awkward car ride can beat the one you give your drug dealer home.
I dunno I mean I feel like I owe everyone an apology except the two people I punched in the face
I can only rely on you and Taco Bell
I tried smoking while wearing a horse mask, it was the worst thing I've ever smelled
Oh dear. Sending much love.
Just send a machete.
Randomize
