I just farted. And everybody around me is looking at the fat girl to my left. I win.
That shit is worth it...they got medicine for that now a days
Look at the bright side...I have an 11 inch penis
At the ER. Dropped bottle lead to cut foot which led to me drunk hitting on doctors. Not going well.
New justification for blow: drug week; 'how it's made'
You threw up? Were you ladylike while you did it? I'm wagering that you were. Like a Disney princess. Like a "Puke Me Pretty" Barbie.
Just replaced the batteries in my vibrator without turning on the lights. I need to get laid.
gorilla chasing a banana on crotch rockets. Halloween is getting way too real
I got whiskey, so I think the blizzard and I are at an even match
I don't know, I think it's at least a minor achievement when you can light up with the guy who took your virginity and act like you didn't have and incredibly awkward sexual experience together
At a point I was just cumming dust last night
It was a mess. I sat on the kitchen floor with maple whiskey and cried into a bowl of poutine. I've never even been to canada
There's nothing like a guy talking about your vagina as if it's delicious food to make your day better.
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
You made me promise I wouldnt let you play "fuck fuck goose" with a 40 year old ever again.
Randomize
