Eating alone in the dark with one candle. This is sorta sad.
I miss old school porno. There just isn't any love in porn these days.
while i was sleeping he changed my screen saver to his dick with a heart frame around it. I just might be falling in love.
Worst ten minutes of my life, it's was like trying to put a marshmallow in a piggy bank....
Don't make this awkward for me. Don't let your mom come near the bathroom. I can't meet your mom for the first time while I'm shitting. Dont make this awkward.
The mystery gender stripper never showed up with that party burrito last night.
I guess, all I remember was giving you road head the whole way there so you wouldn't fall asleep.
I owe you an apology, I was appointed captain of this sexy fuckship and I fell asleep at the helm.
1. I'm excited for tonight 2. Do we dress up as pirates? 3. Happy Valentine's Day bae
Vasectomy results are in. No swimmers in the water. REPEAT. No swimmers in the water. Come help me harness my new found super-power
I woke up on some strangers couch covered in salad mix and oatmeal cream pies. The struggle is absolutely real.
The fact that you got a stranger guy to buy you a pizza off tinder makes me feel amazing
And what in gods fuck were you drinking. It tasted like windex with a mixture of juce
Why is everyone giving me a hard time for drinking?!
Your in the library.
Who brings a stripper to breakfast at the dining hall? What was the plan? Impress her with his meal plan?
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